Archive for September 10th, 2007

Making It Stick

“I just want someone to love me.”

Seven simple words. No simple answers.

How many times have we all stared at a black ceiling while lying in bed, either next to someone or completely alone, searching for the answer to this request?  A request that has confounded human kind for centuries.

When we’re in love, truly and really in love, we dance. Maybe not as an art form, but we dance with our language, our thoughts, and our souls. Body parts dance with glee from our eyes to the toes we tap in anticipation. We are filled with a sense of belonging and being and happiness that can only be compared to a cannoli prepared in the best Italian restaurant. Stuffed. Oozing. Deliciously good.

In every love relationship the ups and downs dictate how we dance. Often times it’s the slow dance of love we most appreciate. Frequently we hold our breath – afraid the music will stop entirely. Sometimes it does. The DJ packs up and goes home. The speaker wires get kinked. We tire out from dancing and we have to sit out – or go home completely.

KeysOldsters who have lived long and happily married lives will tell you their keys to their successful marriage – candidly. But it seems it boils down to a couple of significant notions that make sense to me.

A) Communicate, communicate, communicate. Sounds simple. It’s not. We turn off, become introverted or communicate to the wrong person what we’re feeling instead of telling our significant other what’s happening inside. If there’s ever a time to talk about what’s in your head, it’s when you’re in love. Don’t assume he or she who’s sleeping next to you will, through osmosis or telepathy, read your mind.

B) Share an activity with passion. Golf and tennis. Cycling and cooking. Reading and travel. Share a passion beyond raising the kids, updating the home or balancing the budget. Because when those things are completed and there’s nothing left to share, you’ll be left wondering, “who is this person and why is he here?”

C) Let the surprises flow. Who doesn’t like attention? An unplanned lunch, a note on the kitchen counter, a link to an article in an e-mail that made you think of her, a digital photo reminding him of what you look like when he’s traveling on business. These are the surprises that make the difference. The rest – the anniversaries, birthdays and special occasions that require gifts are hat in hand – it’s the real surprise moments that make the relationship indelible. It’s one of the true expressions of not just love but of the obsession you still have for that person. It’s your refusal to let her forget how important she is in your life.

There are more keys to successful and happy love relationships, without question, that work for couples who’ve been married for five, 10, or 50 years. But these three seem to embody the foundation of all great loves in the world. It doesn’t take Dr. Phil, a self-help book, or $175 per hour psycho-counselors to make this happen. It does take being with the one person who is without question the love of your life. And it does take immense willingness, patience and understanding.

And with that, my friends, you can experience the joys that poets write about. The kind with the constellations and fireworks and flowery prose.

The once-in-a-lifetime love that fills you and makes you dance.


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1. The innermost parts of a building, especially the sanctuary of a temple; 2. The most private or secret parts; recesses

The penetralia of the soul.

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