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Archive for January 14th, 2008

In the history of the male species, it’s gotta be the eighth wonder of the world that either the cro-magnon or modern-day male ever managed to secure a relationship with the opposite sex. Our collective grunting, ball-scratching, farting, burping, smelling selves are not an attractive bunch – no matter how much Hi Karate after shave we slather over our sagging pectorals, or how carefully we comb and part the back hair.

To that end, why are women so willing to accept their male counterparts for who we really are in all our filth and glory? Do they realize we prefer to internalize our feelings instead of talk them out? Do they understand that our success as hunter gatherer is only exceeded by our need to ogle and comment out loud about the cleavage we see on other females while trudging through the mall with our spouse or significant other (SO)? Do they really need the male penis or find it even remotely interesting (aside from the obvious primary requirement of having one in order to make a baby, which by the way, has already lost its exclusive rights in that department thanks to modern science)?

We’re a strange lot, we men. I’m often embarrassed by my brethren and the sheer acts of male stupidity that I’ve witnessed, heard about and even instigated. Our ability to show off at precisely the wrong time, say exactly the opposite thing that should be said, and turn away from our mates at just the moment when she needs us the most is…well, it’s innate! Built in. Pre-genetically coded.

What’s most interesting, though, is that even if men made drastic behavioral changes – be it becoming more in tune with their feelings or spending more than five minutes planning a special anniversary dinner – I’m dubious if our stead among women would change for the better.

For all the listening, understanding, comforting, complimenting, and thoughtful attributes a man may adopt, it would likely raise more eyebrows if by some lucky strike of lightning we managed to change our behavioral path. Because as much as men are swine, women are suspicious of behavioral change and have grown accustomed, even – dare I say – accepting, of who we are and all our foible-filled behavior. They will even *cough* fall in love with our endearing jerk-like qualities, because, in the end, they want someone who will protect them from the dangers of the world, someone who will jump in front of the stray bullet, someone who will cold cock a would be Hugh Hefner who comes on a bit too strong when it’s happy hour at the biker bar.

So, gents, go ahead and let one rip at the dining table in a intimate restaurant setting. Then blame it on the table next to you. You’ll not only impress the person sitting across from you, but you’ll likely get several thumbs up from the rest of the men doing their best to nod politely at their SOs.

Oh! The sweet smell of our success!

-end-

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