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Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

The Reps dove in the grave not with one toe, but head first.  Christopher Buckley says the party is dead in this blog post (click here).

Buckley also shares this fantastic joke:

Question: How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: Three. One to mix the martinis, one to change the light bulb, and one to reminisce about how good the old one was.

Let it be known I like martinis and I don’t care if a Republican mixes them for me – as long as they’re dirty and come complete with three olives.

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The South Beach of Miami and Key West held a varitable cornocopia of sites to see. We arrived on the front end of Spring Break, which meant plenty of youth, energy, martinis, mango margueritas, and Cuban pork (with black beans and yellow rice).

Best takeaways of 96 hours out of Minneapolis…

  • Exit and bulkhead row seating
  • No winter coat, no jeans and no socks
  • Manual elevators at Merv Griffin’s Blue Moon
  • The Seven-Mile bridge
  • Wandering roosters
  • Sand
  • Grey Goose martinis with triple olives (make mine dirty)
  • SPF 15
  • Self-guided tour of Key West on motor scooter
  • Hemingway’s Key West home complete with plenty of writing inspiration
  • Late night key lime pie and coffee at the Grand Cafe
  • Local artists
  • Walking Eastwardly for the best Cuban restaurant on the planet
  • 801 Duval
  • Peel and eat shrimp with horseradish
  • Tiki Bars
  • Helping the directionally challenged
  • The Southernmost Point
  • Blue Heaven’s avocado omelette
  • It’s a small island
  • No wristwatch

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Unexplained Mysteries

Call it unexplained mysteries of the paranormal or segments from Ripley’s Believe It or Not featuring Jack Palance. Any way you slice it, I’ve been part of some unusual events in recent weeks that I can’t explain in full. Is it life playing out in its own tricky fashion or (zhooooo zhweeeee zhooooo [that’s my eerie sound effect]) is it a force from beyond? You decide.

1) Since Nov. 15, I’ve lost 10 pounds. I now weigh 186 and my favorite pants won’t stay around my waist but, sadly, slip down on my hips the moment I rise from my aileron desk chair. An unrefined look in the corporate environ, but c’mon…my favorite pants can’t hang isolated in the closet. So from where does this weight loss stem? I’ve not changed my eating or fitness habits and these 10 pounds were shed during the feeding frenzy of the Thanksgiving and Cristmas holiday season. A time in which I didn’t deprive myself of food. What gives?  (I’m not complaining. I most def needed to lost the 10 pounds.)

2) Bizarre things have been popping out of my mouth lately. Seems my brain waves send motor neuron messages to my vocal cords before fully thinking about the thought. Out pop the words only to land on the floor.  This happened a total of 27 times since Christmas (yes, I’ve counted). Most recently, at a work event celebrating my departmental VP’s 40th birthday I heard my voice sharing tips on how to make the most of her long-distance relationship with her boyfriend. Unsolicited advice. That’s a career stopper isn’t it. Damn.

3) I liken myself to being an above average dad on the hipness scale. My 18-year-old daughter, however, disagrees. She continues to shy noisily away from my efforts to stay in touch with her world. And God forbid I show a modicum of care for her in a public place, like her Facebook page.  I don’t creep on her page, much, and I’ve learned never to tag her name to a photo I’ve posted on my page that includes her. When did it become acceptable to just chill with the ‘rentals back when I was a teen?

4) Morrie’s, my Mazda dealer here in the Twin Cities, worked on a squeaky wheel for me back in December. The fix lasted about three weeks. The squeak is back and it’s a complete and utter mystery. It’s a cold-weather-only kind of squeak, but annoying as hell. They replaced bushings and tweaked other parts of the front-end suspension initially. Now I think the only way to rid the car of the squeak is to get rid of the car.

I should stand and stretch after writing and editing this piece. But if I do, well, you know…pants.

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Vote or Die

I recently took time to watch the latest viral video on Funnyordie.com featuring Ron Howard, Andy Griffith and Henry Winkler. These three celebrities who worked with each other on popular sitcoms in the ’60s and ’70s got together for a “get out the vote” kind of message, conveyed brilliantly. I particularly liked how Ron kept up with the hairstyles he wore in both television shows.

You can see the video right here.

The lines of people waiting to vote on Nov. 4 are forecast to be long. I’ll be standing in the queue with hundreds of my neighbors who walk, drive and bike to our polling place at 5:30 p.m. Here are a few tips on making the wait seem less tedious…

  1. Arrive with a flask of whiskey. Offer “a nip” to those around you.
  2. Wear a Richard Nixon Halloween mask. Invite people nearby to come and see your tricky dick.
  3. Ask those in line with you who they intend to vote for and why. No matter the response, in a sarcastic tone of voice say, “Oh that’s a brilliant choice.”
  4. Comment about how the polling place officials likely voted for Abe Lincoln, “back in the day.”
  5. In a very loud voice say, “ACORN volunteers told you to both file an absentee ballot AND vote on election day.”
  6. Commiserate with those in line with you about the lack of food and beverages served at polling places.  Ask if someone in line will hold your place for you while you go to Subway.
  7. Shuffle your feet and mumble how you sure wish you could vote for GW for a third term.
  8. Tape the words, “I AM A HANGING CHAD” on the back of your coat with masking tape. When people ask you about it, act like you had no idea it was on there.
  9. After voting, walk slowly past those still standing in line with a big smile and thrust your thumbs in the air saying, “I feel your pain” over and over.
  10. Tell a polling place official that you left your colostomy bag in the voting booth and need to get back in there to get it. Double over and pretend to be in severe pain while you say this.

There.  Any or all of these tips should help you make the wait seem much more worthwhile. And if that’s not enough for you, keep in mind that voting in this presidential election is probably the most historic vote that you will ever cast in your lifetime.

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Word has it Seth Meyers from SNL wrote the rap that Amy Poehler performed so perfectly on SNL on Oct. 18.

It’s just as funny this morning as it was last night.  You can watch the video by clicking here.

Lyrics:

One, two, three

My name is Sarah Palin and you all know me.
Vice presidential nominee of the GOP.
Gonna need your vote in the next election
Can I get a “what what” from the senior section?

McCain got experience, McCain got style
But don’t let him freak you out when he tries to smile,
Cuz that smile be creepy, but when I’m VP
All the leaders in the world gonna finally meet me.

How’s it go Eskimos?
“Eskimos.”
Tell me tell me what you know Eskimos.
“Eskimos.”
How you feel Eskimos?
“Ice cold.”
Tell me tell me what you feel Eskimos.
“Super cool!”

I’m not Jeremiah Wright, but tonight I’m the preacher.
I’ve got a bookish look and you’re all hot for teacher.
Todd looking fine on his snow machine,
So hot for each other, he’s a go between.
In Wasilla, we just chill baby – chilla
But when I see oil – “Drill baby, drilla”

My country tis of thee.
From my porch I can see
Russia and such

All the mavericks in the house put your hands up.
All the mavericks in the house put your hands up.
All the plumbers in the house pull your pants up.
All the plumbers in the house pull your pants up.

When I say Obama, you say Ayers.
“Obama. Ayers.”
“Obama. Ayers.”
I built me a bridge, it ain’t goin’ no where.
“Ohhhhhhhhhhhh”

McCain and Palin, gonna put the nail in the coffin
Of the media elite.
“She likes red meat.”
Shoot a mutha humpin moose eight days of the week.

(gun fire)

Now you’re dead. Now you’re dead cuz I’m an animal
And I’m bigger than you!
Load up the shot gun, walk in the pub
Everybody party, we’re goin’ to hunt!

La la la la la la la laaaaaaa

(more gun fire)

Yo I’m Palin, I’m out!

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A Poem from Minnesota

It’s winter in Minnesota
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At twenty-five below.
Oh, how I love Minnesota
when the snow’s up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I’ll hang around
I could never leave Minnesota
‘Cause I’m frozen to the ground!!

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Much has been written on Senator Larry Craig’s ability to stare awkwardly through cracks, toe tap and give improper hand signals. I once found myself on the receiving *cough* end of a similar situation. 

Allow me to explain.

When I was 16, someone (perhaps Senator Craig), gave me hand signals from a mall restroom stall where he sat.  You see, while in high school I worked part time at a drug store located in a shopping mall. It was an old mall on the north end of town. A mall that had more store vacancies than actual retail outlets doing business.  The drug store where I worked was a center of activity at the mall, along with the Younkers department store.

RestroomPublic restrooms at malls are always tucked into nooks, hiding behind dimly lit corners. I suppose that’s why certain people attempt to get their freak on in them.  (I shudder at this, because a public restroom is SO completely and disgustingly filthy and therefore how is that atmosphere remotely condusive to doing anything sexual?)

So there I was. All of 16, standing at a urinal wearing my blue drug store vest doing my business. Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I see a hand appear from under a stall wall. The hand is palm up and wagging side to side. The faceless dude with the hand under his stall wall says nothing. No grunting. No audible sounds whatsoever. Standing there, I have the urge to piss on this jackass’s hand. But he’d probably like that too much. So I zip up and leave.

I never went back to that particular mall restroom. The thought of someone lying in wait to do the nasty with a teenage boy freaked me out a bit too much. And I’m particularly thankful that I was never able to match a face with that hand I saw in my peripheral vision. What if it had been the mayor, the police chief, the Catholic priest, or the pharmacist at the drug store where I worked! 

Awkwarddddddddd!!!

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